I love Dimitri Martin. Go see his site, and search his stuff on Youtube. It's perfect for my sense of humor- kind of stupid, but resulting from shrewd observation of the world.
" If I'm going to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was on an escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' Dude, we removed your kidney, you're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies."
" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!'"